Male Survivors FAQ

How is a male survivor defined?
A male survivor of childhood sexual abuse is any male who has experienced any kind of sexual abuse at any time during their childhood or teen years.  This abuse can be overtly physical which can take the form of fondling, caressing, kissing or any form of penetration and it could also be any kind of seductive verbal display by an adult.  The abusers of male survivors could be anyone from family members, religious leaders, family friends, neighbors or outright strangers.  Male survivors often feel that they are responsible for the abuse, and can be overwhelmed by fears, anxiety, guilt, anger and a number of other and often conflicting emotions.  Oftentimes, male survivors do not feel they can address this abuse until later in life during adulthood.  Sometimes the abuse was a specific incident that was not repeated.  In other cases, the abuse was repeated many times and can often extend over a period of years.

What are the common struggles of male survivors?
Of course, the struggles of male survivors are not identical but there are common issues that male survivors do often share.  Male survivors often feel isolated and have great difficulty being close to others.  They can also feel a great deal of confusion about their sexual orientation.  They can also feel “stuck” at one or the other end of  the sexual expression continuum; for instance, some feel asexual or have a great deal of discomfort expressing their sexuality, while others struggle with sexual compulsion in which they find it very difficult to set healthy boundaries around their sexual expression.   Many survivors sit with a great deal of guilt and remorse, erroneous thinking that they are somehow responsible for their abuse.  Others may sit with a great deal of rage towards their abuser and are unclear of how to understand and express their rage.  Some grapple with both guilt and rage.  Male survivors also struggle with low self-esteem and often contend with harsh internal self-critic.

Do male survivors always remember their abuse?
Memories of sexual abuse vary from male survivor to male survivor.  Some male survivor have very clear memories of their abuse, while others have only very vague memories of the abuse which sometimes came to their attention only during their adult years.  Others start with little or no memory of sexual abuse but as they try to understand why they are struggling with various issues of their life, they come to realize that they were in fact, sexually abused.

How can therapy help a male survivor?
Therapy, whether individual or group work, can be a healing opportunity for male survivors.   In this therapeutic environment, a male survivor can explore their memories, thoughts and feelings around their sexual abuse.  Often, in therapy, male survivors can come to understand on a deep level that they are not responsible for the abuse and that they have a right to feel the shame, pain, confusion, anger and other feelings that relate to their sexual abuse.  It can also be a powerful opportunity to reattribute the abuse to the perpetrators and to hold the perpetrator wholly and totally responsible.  It can also be a place to work on relationship and career issues that may or may not have been impacted by this trauma.  A male survivor can use therapy to gain a new, more realistic and healthier sense of self and can consider and make choices that best suit them.

What are the most common myths about male childhood sexual abuse?
It is sometimes thought that a boy, simply by virtue of being male, cannot be thought of as a victim.  The thinking is that a boy is supposed to be strong and tough and therefore cannot be a victim.  This is of course, not true.  Any boy is still a child and has no recourse against an adult who is bigger, stronger, more knowledgeable and experienced and therefore can be victimized by an adult.

A common myth about male childhood sexual abuse is that if the child experienced some pleasure and/or experienced an orgasm during the abuse, he probably wanted to abuse and therefore is complicent in the abuse.  This is very wrong.  It is very common for children to experience some form of pleasure or excitement or stimulation during the abuse, but that does not mean that they wanted the abuse and are in no way responsible for this trauma.

Another myth is that if a male survivor was abused by a woman, he should feel lucky for the sexual initiation.  Conversely, it is sometimes believed that if a male child is abused by a man, he will become gay.  Both are absolutely wrong.  Sexual initiation is not healthy if it is forced on a boy or in any way he is seduced into sexual activities by an adult woman.  It is simply abuse.  Also, there is no evidence that sexual abuse by a man can cause a boy to become gay.  It is believed that there are more complex intrapsychic and external variable that can determine whether a boy will become gay, straight or bi-sexual.

Can male survivors heal and change?
Yes!  It is important to note that although childhood sexual abuse is a terrible trauma, it does not have to destroy a person’s life nor does it absolutely alter their ability to live a happy, healthy and productive life.  It is important for male survivors to realize that the abuse does not have to completely define them and that they have a number of natural and gained strengths that can be built upon while they address their abuse.  Many male survivors have stated that working through the issues around their abuse has been a powerful and empowering journey, and while at times painful, has provided them a better sense of self and more committed to living a life that best suits them.  It is, in fact, an act of courage to change.